A Time To Surrender
I’ve been wrestling with this post for a couple weeks.
I honestly didn’t know where to begin or how to even articulate the thoughts and feelings I’m having right now.
Instead of writing I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting, listening, reading, and praying.
Truthfully, I’ve been praying that God will forgive me. Forgive me for being angry. Forgive me for being unkind with my words. And above all else forgive me for holding onto judgment.
I am not proud of the thoughts I have been carrying or the words I’ve been speaking. I have gotten caught inside a world filled with so much hate, so much hurt, and so much divide.
Unfortunately, this is the world in which we live. And regardless of how much we scream, argue, and point fingers, this divide isn’t going to magically go away. Quite frankly I believe the opposite will occur. I think the longer we fight fire with fire, the more damage we will endure.
We’ve seen it in the news, we’ve seen it online, and for many people this is a reality inside their very own homes.
We have become so consumed trying to decide right from wrong or decipher a truth from a lie that we have allowed ourselves to speak from a place of fear ridden judgement.
I’m not pointing fingers at anyone when I write this, I’m just sharing what has been happening to me in the hopes that someone else may have this same realization. I believe this has most likely been happening to many of you as well.
I’ve spent so many weeks staring at a screen, venting to a friend/co-worker/family member and the only thing I have gained is more resentment and anger. The biggest emotion I’ve felt is exhaustion. And believe it or not, after all this scrolling, I’m still left with more questions than answers.
During this time I’ve allowed all the noise to speak louder than the voice I need the most.
So I decided to take some time. It’s been three weeks since I last wrote to you guys.
I knew I couldn’t be a voice for you, not like that, not when God was taking a backseat to the voices of so many others in my life.
I decided enough was enough. I surrendered it all, and I decided to pray.
Now when I say pray I don’t just mean my nightly prayers, or bowing my head during Sunday service.
I mean BIG prayers.
Prayers that are hard to speak out loud because even though we call ourselves believers we still doubt God. We question whether we should speak something so unfathomable. It’s as if we don’t think it’s fair to put that kind of pressure of God, when in reality it’s not God we need to worry about, it’s ourselves. We fear these prayers because we don’t want to be let down. We don’t want to let ourselves down.
Maybe we even think we sound a little insane?
I believe we are far too quick to judge.
We judge ourselves, we judge others, and we even judge the power of God when we doubt Him.
But something amazing happens when we begin praying these big prayers. We begin to let go of fear. When we put our faith in something bigger than ourselves, we no longer fear the let down.
This was never my battle to fight, and it wasn’t until I took a good hard look in the mirror, inside myself, that I was able to finally see what was happening.
Judgement. In all honesty I dislike this word. I don’t like what it does to us, how it makes us feel, or the ways in which it controls us.
God did not place us here in contempt. So why is it when things start to feel out of control we default to such a world way of being. We are literally running in circles trying to place the blame and for what? What happens when you decide to stop running?
When I decided to finally stop I found myself tired, dizzy and even more confused.
So I decided to take some time.
I decided to stop doubting God and instead trust that He is still in control. Trust Him with things far bigger than my own understanding. Trust that He has already won this battle.
Life may feel out of control right now.
Many things don’t make sense.
But God doesn’t judge us for not having the answers, God just loves us.
It’s time to stop judging others, ourselves, and God.
It’s time to look up and pray our biggest prayers.
If you are wrestling with this right now it’s time to surrender.
It’s time to forgive.
It’s time to love.