Exposed & Unashamed

Hey Hi Hello! It’s June and waking up this morning to the sun shining in on my face brought such a warmth to my soul. I have been craving this warmth, needing this warmth, and I’m sure many of you can relate to that desperate desire for all things sunshine. To share a little bit about me, I refuse to put curtains on my bedroom window. My window faces East and as the sun rises it quite literally blasts into my room. For some that might sound like a nightmare when all you want to do is sleep in on a Saturday, but for me I crave that mother nature wake up call. To be honest when spring hits, and I begin waking up to the sun smacking me in the face, I rise with an Ana inspired “the sky’s awake so I’m awake!” If you’re not a morning person you probably think I’m a lunatic. For the record I don’t totally disagree with you. I think my love for mornings really grew when I began approaching them with a deep gratitude. When I began thinking about and fixating on the promises of a new day. I started focusing on what a gift it is to wake up again and again. Now this wasn’t always the case for me, this was a massive mindset shift that God and I have been working on for years. And if I’m being completely real with you, I still struggle some days. I am not a ray of sunshine every single morning, I think that would be exhausting. More often than not I pray before I fall asleep that I may wake up with enthusiasm, with gratitude, with an open mind and heart for whatever lies ahead. Do you ever set your clothes out or make your lunch, or maybe even set the coffee pot up the night before? If yes, why do you do these things? You are preparing for the next day, and as a result you are giving yourself a better start to your day. Less things to think about means a smoother transition out the door in the morning. Sometimes little things come up in the morning that interrupt our routine, but we are better able to handle these little interruptions if we have prepared the other things ahead of time. These interruptions aren’t maybe as overwhelming because the other daily stuff is taken care of already. Now I don’t always do these things, but I have in the past and it’s a game changer on those early morning, busy days. The reason I bring this up is because I think this is the same approach I take too praying at night. I thank God for what He has done today, and I look ahead to the next day. I ask Him to give me what I need, to help me rise with joy, and to be with me as I face the day. I prepare my mind by fixing it on God, and I allow Him to carry any anxieties or worries so I may wake up feeling rested. I know this sounds so simple, or maybe it sounds unattainable if you really battle with sleep or have a hard time waking up in the morning. I’m in no way saying this is some magic formula to those things. But what I am saying is this, God wants us to invite Him into things before they have even happened. He desires for us to give every night to Him, and every day to Him, even before that day has arrived. Psalm 30:5 proclaims that joy will come in the morning. Lamentations 3:23 shouts that God’s mercies are new every morning. These are just a few verses of many that I cling too as I lay my head at night. But I do want to reassure you that this isn’t something that just comes easy or naturally. These are words I have to repeat over and over and over again. And it is also something that I have failed at more times than I can count. But maybe that’s why I am so grateful when the sun wakes me up, because I’ve come to realize that a new day means another chance to try again. Now here’s my confession to you all, over the past six months or so God and I have been doing a massive renovation inside of me. A lot of new things have come into my life during this time, many really great things and people, and beautiful opportunities. I’ve been met with a lot of excitement, and eagerness for the future, but I have also faced some deep unexpected grief. Throughout these months I have allowed a lot of things to distract me from the promises I just spoke of. I have spent time wrestling with God, and honestly ignoring God in moments because I was afraid of what He might tell me. I’m stubborn sometimes, but what I’m learning now is that God is more gracious than I could have ever imagined. One of the biggest things I’ve been wresting with is my desire to write. A good friend of mine asked me a few months ago where I saw myself in five years and one of the first things I said was “writing more.” For as long as I can remember I’ve dreamed of being a writer and when I started writing these blogs, I felt like that dream was finally beginning. Over time my writing began taking on new forms, such as songs, spoken words, other types of poetry, and for some reason these blogs took the back burner. To be honest I forgot why I was called to write these in the first place and the longer I went without them the harder it was for me to sit down and write again. In the past few weeks, I’ve had multiple people ask me why I haven’t been writing, and I couldn’t truly pinpoint a reason, but I felt a deep sadness. I started questioning why I write, and I started thinking about how I’ve allowed this opportunity to sit stagnant. Last week, I opened the book I never finished writing and thought back to the passion I felt when I used to sit and write. I got mad at myself for not following through, for not making it into something and I began asking God why? Why do I feel so confused? Why can’t I figure out what to write anymore? Why am I so disappointed in myself? In that moment I sensed God asking me to just come to Him. To spend time with Him. To come back to His heart. To know His heart the way He knows mine. I almost laughed at God, because of course I knew that spending time with Him was important, I have been doing that! And to be honest that wasn’t the answer I was looking for. I just wanted to write, and He just wanted me to sit in His word. It felt somewhat counter productive. But I also knew that I couldn’t write from the place I was in and somewhat stubbornly at first, I decided to really prioritize my time with God. I sat with my bible a lot more this past week than I have in months. I admitted to myself and to God how desperately I needed Him, and I apologized for not always making time. I think recently I have been coming to God desiring a quick answer, or a quick refuel and I had lost sight of how desperately I just want to know who He is. God is not a vending machine, He wants us to marinate ourselves in His word, not just consume it with a quick fix mentality. God truly wanted me to sit in His word a little longer. And to not view that time as an inconvenience but to desire it so deeply. What I didn’t realize at first, what I had forgotten about, was how God reveals things to us when we choose to sit with Him a little longer than what’s comfortable or convenient. Over the past week or so I have been praying before I go to bed that God will give me the desire to sit in His word a little longer. I have been asking Him to wake me up excited for what He has for me. I stopped asking for Him to give me quick answers or to clear my writers block, instead I just asked to know Him a little deeper. I was reading through the Gospel of John this week, with no other motive than to simply know God’s heart more. The final verse of this Gospel reads “Now there are also many other things that Jesus did. Where every one of them to be written, I suppose the world itself could not contain the books that would be written” (John 21:25 ESV). As I read these words, I felt a deep sense of calm and clarity wash over me. I read it over again, more slowly than the first. And I began thinking about the fact that so many people witnessed Jesus, and many of them never wrote these things down. The verse itself says that the world couldn’t contain all the books if everything Jesus did was documented. Then I began thinking about the words of the bible itself, and what life would be like if these words were never written down. But they were, God graciously gave us His word, using the voices of so many. So that we may know Him, so that we may have a relationship with Jesus. I believe that God has called me to write. To use my gifts to glorify Him. I was so caught up not knowing what to write, fixating on the things I used to write, or being so concerned with what other people might want to hear, that I forgot why God gave me the desire to write in the first place. I had no idea that sitting with God a little longer would reveal and refuel this desire in my heart, but that’s exactly what He did for me. If you’ve made this far, thank you for reading. I truly believe that God wants to speak to you and I know for certain that God has given each and every one of you your own gifts and He wants you to use them. But what I also know is this, what He desires the most is for us to know Him. When we make it a priority to come to Him, to spend time with Him, to give every single day to Him, He will begin making these gifts and dreams clear to us. He will give us the excitement we need to get up in the morning. He will push us to create, and He will move in and through us when we make space for Him. The answer I was looking for was so simple and I was making it far too complicated. God just wants me to glorify Him through the things I do and the words I write. And if sitting down and hashing out my walk with Him will point others towards Jesus than that’s more than enough for me. Above anything in this life I want to bring glory to His name. My prayer for you is this. May you desire to sit in God’s presence a little longer than before. I pray that as you lay your head you are willing to give the next day to Him before it even begins. I ask that He reveals the gifts He has given you and the dreams He has placed in your heart so that you may wake with enthusiasm once again. Above all else, thank you for giving us your word, God. Today and everyday I live for you.

When someone asks how your summer has been what is the first thing that comes to mind? I’m sure I’m not the only one who would express, “man it’s flying by,” or “I can’t believe we’re almost through August already!” It’s so interesting to me how quickly the season of slowness, changes into a season of long days that never seem to last quite long enough. We have been blessed with weather that screams get outside and enjoy, but all too quickly turns in to cool nights and gearing back up for the fall. Now don’t get me wrong here, I absolutely love the fall. I love that back-to-school anticipation. Even though I’m not in school anymore I live vicariously through all the children in my life. I love hearing about their summer, listening to them reunite with friends, and seeing the immense growth that has taken place in what feels like the blink of an eye. For others, this time of year might feel daunting, overwhelming, or stressful. And I can relate to that feeling as well. In all honesty the words “relaunch” or “go back to” or “start” can also make me feel anxious at times, and more recently I’ve been really wondering why that is. I had a conversation with a friend recently who too is feeling anxious for all the changes in his life. There was a definite hesitation, and maybe fear that things are changing once again for him. As we chatted about what’s going on I began realizing that a lot of time this fear or anxiety stems from feeling ill prepared. Stems from dreading or maybe even fearing another season of slowness after being caught up in the excitement that summer brings. I was struck with the realization that for me, it also comes from a place of mistrust for the direction I am heading next. You see when the summer began, I was so eager to dive in to all the adventures I had in front of me. I’m sure many of you can relate to this. I dove in so quickly that my full schedule began to burst with all the things I had been longing to do. And what I didn’t consider was how I planned to keep myself grounded and connected to God throughout this season. At times I have neglected to make room for Him in my busy schedule. Yes I pray, attend church, join church online, and engage in conversations with other Christians about what God is doing right now, but I have neglected to spend enough quality time simply sitting in His presence. Now what constitutes as enough, I think that varies for all of us. But when I begin to feel uneasy or ill prepared, I’m forced to take a step back and consider where this feeling is truly coming from. As I’ve been reflecting on this feeling, I’ve been hit with a harsh reality. This reality being that I need to own it. I need to get open and honest with myself and admit that I am not a victim to these negative feelings. I need to be willing to admit my role in it. These moments of reflection are never easy, but they are the moments where truth floods to the surface. I went to the beach recently and the water was unsettled. The waves were a good size, and the current was warm. It’s so much fun to dive into those waves and let the water take you, but have you ever tried to simply stand in the water without moving? If you’ve ever tried it, you probably know it’s next to impossible not to move. The water hits you and your body is shaken as you fight to stay afloat. Now imagine these waves are your emotions. How does it feel when you try to resist them? Fight against them? Swim away from them? As I stood in that water, I realized that I don’t need to resist these waves anymore. No matter how high they crash I must be willing to move with them, to face and embrace them, to have faith that no matter what I will always end up back on the shore. I keep asking myself, what’s my role in these feelings? Why am I so overwhelmed, and stressed and anxious? Why am I fighting not to drown instead of allowing myself to float? The answer is actually quite simple when I'm willing to take ownership. What have I forgotten to do during this season? I’ve forgotten to make room for the only thing that will always lead me back to shore. It is so easy to get caught up in the busy season, in the fullness of everyday adventures and opportunities. But how much different does it feel to be caught up in His fullness instead? To spend time embracing the moments of quiet reflection. To set aside intentional time and dive headfirst into His embrace. A close friend of mine spoke into my life recently about how important it is to be available to God. When we get sucked in to all the business of this world, and become available to too many other people, places, and things we are less available to the one who grounds us. The one who shapes, defines, and guides us. The one who is calling us away from the noise and into His presence. I think it's time to truly recognize and own the fact that the world doesn’t deserve a bigger piece of us. Only God deserves our hearts. So how has your summer been? Busy? Mine too. But as the season heads in a new direction, we all have a choice to make. We must choose to own the feelings that arise. And take time to reflect on what we are making room for. What are you allowing in right now? No matter what this next season has in store I pray that you too can make room in your busy schedule. The world gets too much of our attention already.

From the moment I stepped foot inside a Christian community I began hearing the simple phrase "come as you are." and I was convicted to share it with others too. I wanted to live it out, and to present the feeling of unconditional love no matter who was in the room. This phrase quickly became just that, a feeling. Even when it wasn't spoken aloud it was felt so deeply within this Christian community. Over the past two years God has been molding and transforming who I am. I made the decision to get baptized in 2020 and since then have been praying that God will use me for His glory. That He will break all the chains, crash through all the walls, and build me back up into His image. This prayer was scary, it still is. But it is also the most liberating prayer I have ever prayed. I recently came back to this prayer and began reflecting on what has happened since I first spoke those words. In a matter of months God has been doing a clear work on my heart. And this work has been painful to say the least. It feels as if He's taken a spotlight and pointed it on all the deepest darkest parts of me. He's challenged me to step out into the light and allow this transformation to take place. I cannot tell you how many times I have wanted to run the other way. I have wanted to avoid it all. To deny the words that need to be said. To ignore the brokenness that still consumes me at times. But no matter how scary it gets I am brought back to that moment in the water. The decision I made the moment I gave my life away will forever have the biggest impact on me. Little did I know this decision to surrender wasn't a one-time deal. It was and still is a choice I make, each and every day. Speaking of choices, in the past few months I decided to seek professional counselling. For the first time in my life, I started speaking to a therapist. I made the choice to not sit in the dark and talk to someone. This decision was HUGE for me. It was also very scary. And if I'm being honest, I've wanted to run away nearly every time I see my next appointment approaching. But something amazing begins to happen when you lean into these uncomfortable moments and that's why I'm writing this right now. I've been exploring my subconscious choices, specifically the choices I make in relationships. For most of my life I've believed that I needed to earn my relationships. To provide something in exchange for friendship, companionship, or love. Be it food, gifts, time, or emotional support, I have always felt like I needed to bring something, give something, to keep people in my life. Maybe to prove that I was worth keeping around too. And unfortunately, when others don't appear to "need" me, I feel like I need to do more for them to show them I’m still here. I desire to be needed by the people in my life and I have a hard time stepping back and allowing God to do His thing. I have a hard time feeling worthy in relationship when I cannot offer something. I'm telling you all of this because this personal realization really hit recently and that original phrase, “come as you are,” came pouring back into my mind. I started thinking about the relationship I have with Jesus and wondering if my worldly relationships truly reflect this? Jesus modelled for us what relationship can and should look like. He has always whispered "come as you are," and yet I never fully let this hit my heart in all the ways it could. It makes me think about Mary and Martha in the book of Luke. Martha felt like she needed to provide a service to Jesus, but Mary made the choice to be still. Just like Mary I'm brought to my knees with the realization that I bring absolutely nothing to the table and that's okay. Jesus stills wants me. He still desires to be in relationship with me and I don’t need to earn His love. I'm beginning to learn that it's okay to just be in relationship with people too. I do not need to prove my worth, I can just be me. I've spent most of my life placing false expectations on myself and my relationships, but God is truly breaking these chains. He’s teaching me how to love others who have nothing tangible to give, and how to take the pressure to perform off of myself too. When Jesus calls us to come as we are He is saying, “you are worthy of love.” Jesus has truly saved me from myself. From the lies I grew up believing, and from the fears that have left me crippled in the past. I have come a long way and I have a long way to go, but I want to invite you along on this journey too. I'm praying that you are able to step in to the light despite your fears. Come as you are, and I promise I'll do the same.

Then Jesus told his disciples, "if anymore would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it (Matthew 16: 24-25 ESV). These words have hit me on an entirely new level recently. I've been questioning all the choices that lay in front of me and trying to discern God's voice within all of it. I mean there's a lot of things to think about during one 24 hour stretch. Wake up, hit snooze, check the time, run through the mental list of "to do's" and rise with anticipation for another great, or hopefully good day. Or maybe anticipation isn't your word of choice. How does "rise with exhaustion" sound? "Rise with dread"? Am I getting any closer? I have to admit, I've faced a lot of those dreadful mornings in the past few months too. Thanking God for all the sunshine as of late. Sun just makes everything better doesn't it? If you're anything like me you have been counting down the days to when spring would finally decide to stick around. I love watching the days get longer and the neighborhood come to life again. Flowers blooming, birds chirping, bbq smoke filling the air, green grass growing, families walking and children playing. I truly love all of it! The spring to me is the time where God calls us out of hiding, out of the dark and in to the light. And for many this past winter probably felt darker than others. I know it did for me. I remember back in February telling my mom that I felt like the plant in our kitchen was my spirit plant. "Not thriving, but doing the bare minimum to stay alive." This plant was losing leaves faster than it was growing, and I often forgot to water it. When I said "bare minimum" I wasn't kidding. Plant update, it is now growing at a rapid rate. It didn't give up. And neither did I. Now you might be wondering how this relates to that passage in Matthew. In all honesty I wasn't entirely sure where this blog would travel. I never anticipate where any of my writing will go. I just open my computer, start typing, and pray that the spirit will lead me where I need to go. And sure enough it comes together, word after word, God always exceeds my expectations. I recently told my faith community that I'm done putting expectations on anything. Not on my job, my relationships, my finances, my future, or anything else in between. Rather, God has been teaching me that I must rise with anticipation again. Anticipation for God to exceed any expectation that I could ever make. The wildest thing is, God already has. As soon as I stopped focusing on my "to do's" in the morning, I began seeing what has already been done. And sure enough God continues to unfold a plan bigger than any expectation I could have placed or plan I could have made. This past winter season was one of the hardest ones I've ever faced. Read any of the last few blogs and you will get a little glimpse of that. You will see some of the pain and suffering I've faced, but you will also see a steadfast love pushing me through. Not only pushing, but calling me out. Calling me out of my head, out of the darkness, out of my own way. A wise friend spoke those words to me sometime last year. He said "get out of your own way," and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Man was he on to something. And God is on to something too. Something so much bigger than any human mind can fabricate. Isn't that where most of our biggest struggles lie though? Inside the fabrications of our minds? Trapped in the dark? Running wild all over our unarmored soil? But that's also where Jesus does the most work. When we make the choice to take up our cross and follow Him we begin plowing through that dead soil, marking it with a new story, with a new light. Without Jesus, dread becomes normal. And when we get trapped in the dread, in darkness, we begin grasping for control. We begin thinking that we can change the narrative inside out minds with something external, and we get trapped in a desperate cycle. Grasping at straws, gasping for air, drowning in the dark. It can be exhausting to live each day this way, but thankfully we don't have to. Jesus is calling us out! I used to wonder how so many people miss His call? Now I understand it's because His call goes against our natural human instinct. His call goes against our self-centered, me-mindset world because His call is aimed at our deepest needs. The world aims at the surface, but Jesus aims at our soul. Then Jesus told his disciples, "if anymore would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it (Matthew 16: 24-25 ESV). All winter long I've been praying the words, "less of me, more of you Lord," over and over again. And this spring I've begun waking with anticipation again. Now I'm calling you to start praying these words too. I'm calling you out because Jesus has been calling us out for years. It's time we start changing the narrative. Yes, the choice is ours, but ultimately the plan is His.  Less of me, more of you Lord. Less external, this world needs something eternal.

Have you ever heard of destination syndrome, otherwise known as destination addiction, or destination happiness? For those of you that haven't, I decided to do a little research about it. The things I came across described this phenomenon as people believing that success or happiness is in a destination. These people become addicted to the idea that happiness, success, fulfillment, and even heaven are in the future. As a result they treat the present moment as a one way ticket to something better, and fall victim to not living fully present in their lives. Unable to find joy in the moment. I can't speak for whoever is reading this but this research hit me a lot harder than I thought it would. At first I tried to deny it, but it was because I was scared to admit that I have been suffering from this "syndrome" a lot in the past year. I was scared to admit it to myself, let alone open up about it to all of you. A few years ago, before I became a Christian I began practicing mindfulness and meditation. This was the first time I started feeling like I was truly living in the moment. My mind wasn't clouded with anxious thoughts of the past or future, I was simply able to be. I was content, and I began craving that feeling more and more. Unfortunately mindfulness and mediation doesn't save you from experiencing hard things in the present moment. And when those hard things came along I inevitably resorted back to my old thinking patterns. Instead of truly moving through what I was facing I fast forwarded it in my mind, or dreamed about going back to something much simpler. Something about this coping mechanism I had come to know and love wasn't able to pull me through the trials of today. Something was missing. Looking back now I am able to clearly see that this "something" I was missing was hope. This "something" was Jesus. Now I mentioned earlier that this destination syndrome has really been rocking me this past year. In the spirit of transparency, I want to be a real as possible with you. Some of the battles I've been facing have made me forget about that hope I just spoke of. And when I forget my mind begins to wander again, to resort back to my old coping mechanisms. To live in a place that doesn't serve be today, but truly robs me of the joy Jesus promises us in the present. Yes I'm a Christian, I truly know and wholeheartedly believe the hope I've been given. But I am also a broken human, and being saved isn't a one shot solution to the temptations, and natural human tendencies we all face. Being a Christian is about becoming. Slowly becoming who I was made to be with Christ by my side. If you've read my previous post, I spoke about my recent job change, and how big this decision was for me. I was facing a lot of anxiety in my previous job, and some days I lived in that place so deeply I couldn't see or feel His hope. My spirit held on, while my mind and body wreaked havoc within my day to day world. Since leaving that space I've felt a shift in my mind, body, and spirit. And God's hope has become very present and more tangible for me than it has been for a long time. It's pretty amazing to me what the spirit can do when our human tendencies begin to run wild. In connection with mine, His Holy spirit brought me back to a place of trust and contentment. So you might be wondering now why I'm writing this if I've come out the other side of my issues? But maybe you forgot the part where I mentioned the idea of becoming. In the past few weeks I've lived so free in the moment that I forgot about the inevitable trials of today. And sure enough those trials haven't gone away. No, they have just taken on a new form. I think that may be how the enemy tries to steal us away from the hope we've been given. Just when the clouds begin to clear, hardship morphs itself into something new. A new challenge we weren't anticipating smacks us straight in the face and we scramble to find the horizon on the other side of the storm. In these moments I have begun living in a familiar old place, wishing I could go back, while simultaneously searching for the next best thing. I can feel myself getting sucked into a state of destination happiness, and have felt moments slip right past me because I was too scared to fully lean into today. To face the battles head on, and as Anna from Frozen would say "do the next right thing." I think she may be on to something. I believe that is exactly what hope is. Hope allows us to see the beauty within every storm and reassures us that we aren't alone in our suffering. Hope reminds us that the battle has already been won and screams His grace is sufficient (2 Corinthians 12:9). Hope gives us the courage to do the next right thing, despite the challenges we are facing. And hope opens our heart to feel gratitude towards every planned moment. When we remain grateful, we won't get lost in the longing anymore. I am praying I won't get lost in that old familiar place but I also have hope that Jesus will carry me through when I do begin to slip. I am not naive to today's struggles, and I don't want to run from them anymore. I am becoming. If this resonates with you, please know you're not alone. We are still human, but our happiness, our true fulfillment will never arrive if we continue to search for it outside of today. Today is a gift when we're open to receive it. And tomorrow? Well tomorrow can worry about itself (Matthew 6:34). Kerstan Cooper The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. - Lamentations 3:22-23