The rate at which my emotions have changed over the past few weeks is startling. I have gone around some form of emotional ferris wheel more times than I can count. From happy, to sad, from excitement to anger, from denial to acceptance. I’d be lying if I told you this wheel hasn’t made me feel sick to my stomach on multiple occasions. This unsettling feeling of anxiety, guilt, sadness, and anger keeps creeping back into the forefront of my brain, into my entire being.
Now I need to be even more transparent with you. I typically am not an angry person. I never have been. I don’t slam doors or scream, or any of those other explosive behaviours. Typically, I’m able to deflect anger into a different form of energy. Maybe I’ll go for a run, vent to a friend, blast music and dance it out. And more recently I’ve added God to my list of outlets. Whatever I choose, this is usually all I need to do to work through that emotion. And just like that I’m back to preaching positive thinking, and taking deep breaths when anxiety creeps in. For the most part, I’d say I’m in control of my state of mind because I’ve worked really hard to get here.
But here’s the catch.
I’ve been working within what most would call a “normal reality.” I’ve dealt with death, betrayal, heartbreak, and a world of other “normal” human triggers. But I’ve never dealt with this. As all of you, I’ve never lived through a global pandemic. WE have never lived through this before.
I’ve hopped on and off that emotional ferris wheel too many times to count. But this time it feels like I’ve been
given an all access pass, with little recovery time between rides.
I’m dizzy. I’m confused. And I’m angry.
The anger I’ve felt over the past little while is one of the most unpredictable, unannounced feelings I’ve ever dealt with. I’m not an angry person! Am I?
How do I navigate a feeling I’ve never truly experienced? A feeling I tell people isn’t worth their energy. A feeling I pride myself in being in control of. A feeling that’s been boiling inside for the past few weeks and explodes in the form of uncontrollable tears. A feeling that, when left unchecked, overwhelms my entire body. I’ve tried running, I’ve tried venting, and the music is louder than it was before. But it’s not enough on its own. The type of peace I’m searching for can’t come second to my coping mechanisms.
He can’t come second.
For the past few days there’s a song that keeps coming to my mind. It’s called “Give Me Your Peace.” If you don’t know this song, I urge you to give it a listen. Listen to it and allow the words to wash over you.
It’s a testament to the type of relationship we are meant to have with God. It’s a give and take of emotions. It creates a transparency, a vulnerability, that has the power to bring peace into our lives. Even into our new reality. He has that power. But only when we choose Him first.
I used to pride myself in being “in control” of my emotions, but it’s time for me to let go of my pride.
I don’t want to be angry anymore. I don’t want to be “in control.”
I’ve been placed on this ferris wheel as a reminder that I don’t have to ride it alone. When I first pictured this ferris wheel I saw myself, sick to my stomach, begging to be let off.
But God doesn’t work like that. He didn’t place me on this ride to hurt me and He doesn’t enjoy when I’m angry. However, He doesn’t want me to run away from this feeling either. All he asks is that I choose Him to sit in the seat next to me. He wants to be invited along for the ride.
Have you ever ridden a ferris wheel alone?
Probably not, because if you’re anything like me, it’s more fun to do it with someone by your side. It’s easier to do it with someone by your side.
I don’t think this all access pass has an expiry date, so I’ll leave you with this.
Who are you inviting along for the ride?